A really good piece...

Hannah Murray: “Do you know what hurts the most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before. Try and keep that feeling, because if it goes, you’ll never get it back.”
Joseph Dempsie: “What happens then?”
Hannah Murray: “Then you lay waste to the world. And everything in it.”
–in Skins

I got my wish

I had wanted school to pick up so there would be work I'd actually be doing so I could feel like I wasn't just doing bits and pieces here and there and being lazy. Well I got my wish. I'm taking Greek which is part of my major (Biblical Studies) and so now its picking up with us having to learn charts. I took the class (and failed) before and I remember the charts. They're no fun. At all. Because I had to learn so many of them. It sucks. My New testament class has me read different books of the bible and this time its Mark. Plus a two page paper to go along with it. Easy. Except my printer hates me. It hasn't been printing everything I write out. Oh joy after I just bought ink. Looks like its library printing for me. Then there is one of the banes of my existence: Math. This is the single most hated subject EVER by me. Simply because most of the time its so hard and complex but then my friend explains in 5 minutes what took a whole class period. Lame. Luckily we don't even have (they seriously did not prepare the teachers well this semester) any books yet for my World civilizations class or my US History class. So its lecture and note taking and no reading. Fine for now until we get our books in. Not so much fun then. So this semester is picking up now and the work is coming at me. Quite forcefully I might add. But that's college for you. School basically is my life and life is basically school. Until I finally get another job hopefully. It sucks also since I no longer live on campus I don't see my friends as often since its to school and then back home once classes end. Lame again. So yes this school semester is going to suck. I can tell already but its better than being stuck at home all day and it helps me get off of my academic probation. Always a plus. Hopefully once I get the hang of the workload life will get a bit less hectic. I doubt it but hey a guy can dream right?

That's what college is for -getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room. -Jeph Jacques

People watching...

Let's face it we watch people, its what we do. Its a game to me that I play just about everyday. I see the little quirky things people do and say, for instance some of thing I saw during some of my classes.An example is of today a young lady in my class sneezed and her friend said bless you. Simple enough. It wasn't until, in classic valley girl voice she said thank you. Seriously? I mean heard it but couldn't believe it. I assumed that was a stereotype and was a joke. Apparently not. It frightened me. It was strange. Her friends then started to talk to each other in valley girl fashion. I wanted to shoot myself. Second. A girl I notice is walking by me and it looks as though she is going to walk right past me so I stop to let her by. She then proceeds to stop in front of me and go straight forward. Wait what? Really? I thought that was weird. She was walking directly in front of me and then decided she was going the wrong direction and decides to just stop for a split second and go straight. I thought it was weird. Another game I play is walking in public and watching how many different couples, with children have wedding bands on. At first I was saddened by the fact that hardly any had wedding bands on. Then a friend brought something to my attention. The fact that his parents are married but do not wear their wedding bands at all. I conceded that yes, this is true so there is a flaw in that game. But none the less its just interesting to watch. One good thing that come from watching in class is I get to see who is sleeping so if I sleep, I own't feel as bad knowing other people are sleeping too! I know its unfair to the teacher. But its only in my math class so its okay.

Those unbearable things...

That she can do to you. One of the worst is when the air picks up and carries the scent of her perfume to you. It just drives you insane. Or when you spend time with her and you can swear you could smell her perfume out of the blue. So she even can drive you crazy without trying. Its the way she looks at you and you can't help but just smile. How you wish just holding her hand could convey all you feel to her. The way you wish every time you're apart you could remember the way her kiss tastes and her lips felt against yours. How you lie awake at night listening to that song that reminds you of her. How you look out at the moon and think of how it would be to hold her under the moonlight. Or really just any romantic thing like a walk in the park,or just talking and walking in general. How you would rather kiss her than make out with her. You know she would care, would even accept you at your weakest. You could still do fun things together even with each others friends. How you could fall in love even.


Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.
-Bertrand Russell

A life long institution

Interesting enough, recently a speaker referred to my school (though I am relating this to all school) as a learning institution. I noticed something. Institution. When did this word become synonymous with school? Isn’t an institution where they would stick those who are insane? Much like Arkham. Yes I just did make that reference that game is awesome. Anyway, when did this happen? Are we insane? Well we must be to attend as many years as we have. Maybe its one big experiment they’re running on us? See what happens when we collect people with different…quirks we’ll call them. Those whose quirks could be like the ones whose quest in life is to achieve high social status in school, those wanting to belong, etc. Let’s face it we all have them, our quirks. Now what genius decided that sticking us all together would be a good idea? It makes sense they call this a learning institution. We’re learning for life and everyone in life is insane. Some more than others but there you go. The world is crazy. Also disclaimer this is only for fun I did not honestly mean a word of this its just an interesting thing to think about.

The invisible league....

So how many girls have ever been told that a guy liked them but wouldn't ask them out because the guy thought they were "out of their league"? Or how about how many of you guys have ever said she's way out your "league". Well I have a question. WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS LEAGUE?! Why do guys say this? I never understood it and heck I've even said this. I never knew why i did. I ask this from what a person I know (I cannot and will not call him a friend) said the other day. That his girlfriend was out of his league and that's why he had waited so long to ask her out (though he had three different girlfriends before which confused me). I then said no I do not (not anymore anyway) believe in leagues. If there is a girl you would like to date, regardless of who you are go ask her out. I can only think of the girls I liked that I never asked out because they were "out of my league". Personally now I see that any guy saying that is only afraid. Afraid of rejection and his own insecurities. He has already deemed himself unworthy of this girl and given up without trying. For all anyone knows she could have liked him and the chance slipped away. Ah yes leading to the wonder of unrequited love. You can blame fate or destiny whatever but really you're to blame. If a girl says no its no so you move on. Yes it sucks but when you get older you'll only say to yourself "Man if only I had asked her out what was I so afraid of?" I know it can see often harder than that but still we need to lose this concept of leagues since what is it really doing for us? Sure you may say she is so beautiful that she's out of your league but then what are you saying really? She's so beautiful she is unattainable? She is to be alone and only marveled at? Well guess what someone is going to come along and sweep her off her feet and what is left? An empty space where your once unattainable was. Funny thing is it wasn't some abercrombie and fitch guy or body builder but another guy an average Joe who had the gall and audacity to go and actually ask her, this goddess out. How dare he. He just did what you wouldn't. If he got rejected, he got rejected so what its not the end of the world. Why can't guys find another way of tellng women they are beautiful than saying they're out of their league? What is hard by saying and honestly meaning just looking her in the eyes and telling her how beautiful she is? Get rid of the leagues and everything and stick witht he truth. Grow a pair men and get out there and admit your feelings. If you get rejected sulk a little get up dust yourself off and decide where you want to go from there. Your choice guys.

Robeert Frost...

I have to say I like Robert Frost. Not only because of the fact we share the same first name but also that he writes very good poetry. It amazes me. My favorite is the last one Stopping in the woods. Wonderful.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

School...

School is starting off well enough. Seems like my New testament class and Greek will be keeping me on my toes quite a bit (joy) and my math class is easy as long as I pay attention so there's a plus. I still need to add a world civilization class so that'll be fun too since its a 3 hour class. But I feel happy that I can now see my friends again but it sucks since I commute. So my time with them isn't as extensive. I'll just have to get used to it but I do miss spending time with them. I'm really excited that I'm back since i can walk on my beautiful campus woo!

A new day is beginning...

For now tomorrow I start my new semester! I can't wait until I do! I'm excited its the new semester already and I get to see my friends again on an almost regular basis. Its time to see where this semester and the rest of this year goes. I'm excited to find out.

May we meet in dreams...

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there,
I will go there
And back again

In Dreams ~Edward Ross

And its always because...

We mean well.

Do you know what I miss?

The good old days. When you were in junior high and hopelessly in love with that person and you'd see them everyday at school and just enjoy their company. Walk together down the halls, shyly steal glances at each other, and subtly letting your hands grace each others or your fingers. I remember when I was younger like that. But time changed. My girlfriend my Junior year in high school was the last one who I actually carried a relationship where we saw each other everyday and got to hang out together. After that it was moderate to extreme long distance in my relationships. One living in 29 Palms while I lived (at the time due to college) in la Mirada. Well crap. That was a bust. Next lived in Montebello but we got to see each other frequently. I won't go into detail about that but if you read my "I hate you post" Then you'll get a feeling how I feel about her. Last was my recent one a few months back. She lived in Los Alamitos. I miss having a relationship where I could see my girlfriend everyday. It sucks. I wish I could go back and make the most of that time. The younger years where summers days were special in that wonderful way. Where you BARELY had any drama. I can still see myself sitting in my classes 6-8th grade and the years before that and the years after that. It goes by fast people. So enjoy it while it lasts. Do it wisely though. I'm not condoning absolute mayhem, carnage, and sinning here.

A letter to love...

Dear Love,
What the crap is up with you? You're probably the most confusing thing I have ever encountered and just as elusive. Not only to me but to many others as well. Why is this? Why do you evade us? Why are you so hard to understand? If you're so great why do we get you confused with your family member lust so easily? Shouldn't you be stopping such an impostor? I mean lust is soiling your good name! You should do something about that! But you don't. You only reveal yourself to certain people. Why is that? Then when they fal in love, when trouble comes you pack your bags and split. How is that supposed to make me feel? I hear the screaming, the anger, and pain. Lust rears its ugly head time and time again and hurts those hwo are in love. I just don;t understand. Won't you make me understand? Not me, no. All of us? Won't you?

Sincerely, A Hopeless Romantic.

"A HOPELESS ROMANTIC ALWAYS DREAMS OF LOVE BUT NEVER TRULY FINDS IT."-mlo

A good bye to summer...

Ah yes summer. That wonderful time in people's lives filled with bands and concerts, beach trips, road trips, wild parties and just hanging with friends. I went into summer with this mentality, that everything would be fine. But life doesn't work like that. Summer is not separate from life. Unfortunately. Because, this summer, life hit hard. I have to say this is probably the worse summer I have ever had. I was sick with an infection, had plenty of drama happen with friends, hurt another friend, went crazy multiple times,family troubles, just the usual. It sucks. Big time. So it just made me realize something. Summer is going to be different. It always has been but now its just more noticeable. That everything is changing. Really it started last summer. That was for the longest time the worst summer of my life with the utter disintegration of my relationship with my girlfriend. But now, seeing how many things happened now its just...just...ugh. Horrible for lack of a better word. Life can't be ignored and I cannot live in this little bubble anymore where life is good. Where summer means freedom with no responsibility because there will be always responsibility. I suppose this has just been a wake up call to life and the world. because it never works out the way we wanted it to or expected it to. But like I have mentioned my good friend Frank Sinatra saying: "That's Life". Yes Frank that's life and I say: "Unfortunately"

My own worse enemy pt 3...

This will be probably the final one in the "My worst enemy" writings. I've looked at my previous posts and come to a conclusion that I didn't see from the beginning. My own worse enemy is me. Me, myself and I. All of us. The person who sabotages our lives, our relationships, friendship and just generally every piece of this crappy life is ourselves. Its caused by our swaying emotions, indecisiveness, and just plain refusal to cooperate. Sure other people are involved in the mix and there's reason for everything but seriously how often have we completely screwed something up and look back and "gee I wish i wasn't a complete and total moron" Ever happened to you? Yeah. Its just..ugh. Being human and making mistakes and doing stupid things suck. But and unfortunately it happens. And no matter how hard you try things won't ever be the same. Cause you messed up. But that's how it works. We're one big Roman Empire. Destroying ourselves from the inside out. But we're humans. Its what we do. And it sucks. But that doesn't mean its all bad or its the end. No it means things will just be different and you have to adapt to that. Sometimes we can pick up the pieces and carry on forward and sometimes you can repair what has been broken and can go back just a little bit wiser. And yes sometimes it won't be the same and it'll be different but I live with this in mind: there has to be a reason and though we will always have those "Why's", "what if's" and all the "But wait a minute's" there is a lesson learned God teaches us. Its up to us to decide what it is. So to everyone who has to I wish you good luck and Godspeed.

"Pay my respects to grace and virtue,
Send my condolences to good.
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could.
And so long to devotion,
You taught me everything I know.
Wave goodbye, Wish me well."
-Human, by the Killers

That about sums it up

Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.
* Bertrand Russell

I hate you...

I hate the way you smile
I hate the way you look at me
I hate your eyes
I hate your lips
I hate the memories
I hate your hugs
I hate your laughs
I hate that you can make me laugh
I hate that you make me smile
I hate the songs that remind me of you
I hate what you did
I hate what you're doing
I hate who you are now
I hate it was you
I hate that you broke me
I hate my my own hate for you
I hate my feelings for you
I hate that i want you
I hate your cuteness
I hate that you made me this way and i hate that I may never be right.
Most of all...I hate that I loved you.

Because you CERtAinly didn't care.

42

The answer to life, the universe...everything. Also a very epic Coldplay son. Well this one will address only life instead of Coldplay (sad I know right?). Well here we go. Life...sucks. The plans we have, the dreams we want fulfilled, the hopes all can and will often enough come crashing down. Its not fair. Then again I think the only reason we find Life to not be fair is because we have presuppositions on how its supposed to be like. These stem from the way its portrayed in movies, books, and just general stories. These build up and we start imagining the way we want our life. We move on from wanting superpowers and to fly or fight crime like Superman or Batman to imagining how we'll be succesful or how happily in love we'll be when we find out princess/knight in shinning armor. But then that horrible things hits. Reality. They seem to go hand in hand reality and life. We understand its not like the way it is in stories. Because the young, old, loved, and undeserving wll die. The hero will save the world and die wishing he wasn't the hero he was while the bad guy gets to live his life out. We don't always get the girl/guy we want and those who were supposed to love you betray you. Frank Sinatra says it "That's Life" and I say Frank "yes Frank that's life. Unfortunately." But we are doomed or blessed (depending on your outlook) to live it. And all these things, the happiness, the sadness, anger and joy are all apart of it. Life isn't always what we make it because we aren't in control. Our plans will never always go well. We have to take it all because if we ignore them and try and live life without all these things then what? Aren't we just lying to ourselves? Believe me I hat ethis life. I try and do my best, to be a good person. Then what awaits me? My death. An end to this twisted story of life. Isn't it grand? The best way to end such a twisted comedy. Psh Shaespeare only wishes he could have written such a twisted story. Yet here it is. Do you know how I want to die? I want o slowly bleed to death. Just so I could lie there as i slip away so I can laugh, cry and be myself one last time. Remember my life as it flashes before me. Discover the true meaning of life as I slip away and smile and the cruel irony before I meet my maker for the finale and beginning. Twisted right? Well that's life. Its unfair, cruel, and can be weird and twisted. But its all we got. If I were happy all the time would I be really happy? No. I think I'd break down and ask for osme grief just so I could remember what happiness feels like when I come back to it. We need a fresh dose or we'd lose the sense of feeling happy, grateful, or having fun. But hey I'm just a guy going through life. Aren't we all. When we die we'll forget about this life anyway. In heaven why would you worry about your old life in perfection? Life sucks, I know. But I don't live for this life butthe next. I admit I'd like to have an easy going life but after a while I think I'd like some type of adventure, trial or osmething before I get bored. But heythat's me and THAT"S LIFE.

Don't take life to seriously
No one gets out alive all we can hope for is
when all is said and done more is done than said

Becoming who we are...

Recently I've been thinking a lot about the old days. My friends I had in elementary school, relationship in Jr. high and the people I met in high school. The come to me in flashes, waves, in sparks. I remember who I used to be, what shaped me to become who I am now and who i am becoming for the future. I remember the people I left behind. I miss them. But now, it seems, everyone is going their own way. Shaping themselves to become the people they will become. Sometimes its good and sometimes its not. It seems there are those who I am drifting away from for one reason or another. A friend, a man I respected now involves himself in things that I never would and I have to wonder: Am I going to have to let him go? I have had to let people go before and it wasn't what I wanted but something I knew I had to do. Such things rarely are what we want. I have a confession to make. I feel as though I won't see many of my friends again someday. Life is happening. The friends I have now, in college and the people I make an effort to be with are the ones I see in my future. I say this because so many are becoming people who might eventually see me as a "downer" in some cases. For instance some of my friends like to go out and party and I've never really been to a party so I have no clue what to do. That wasn't me in high school and i don't think that's me now. To be honest we've all changed I know that. And I think from us all gaining new friends we have just changed from who we once were. We've grown up and changed from who we were those now 2 years ago. Some could say for the better some could say for the worse. It depends on how you believe you've changed.


here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
-Green Day "Wake me up when September ends"

Marriage...

My friend Jeremy once said something that got me thinking. He said "Neither of us knows what marriage is." Its an unfortunate truth but yes neither of us do know. Both of us have interesting family history and interesting lives at home but that's a different story. Anyway, I thought about this and considered his words. My parents do not have a conventional marriage as they don't seem like the portrayed TV old married couple (then again who really is?). See my father many years ago suffered a clot in his brain that almost killed him but through a miracle he turned out fine, the only thing being he has lost the use of the left side of his body. My mother has taken care of him these 26 years and let's just say it hasn't been easy. Through everything that has happened I would say I have seen one of the many sides of a difficult marriage. One thing is though that in my years as I got older a question probably the only one I've ever been truly afraid to ask has been floating in my head: "Mom do you love Dad?" I know its a strange question to consider because they've been married for 50 years and that she's taken are of him for so long but...I just have to wonder. I've never asked for fear of the answer. How would things change? Would they? I don't know and i don't think i want to. I think its the sort of general idea of how marriage is portrayed that makes me not understand what it really is and since i don't understand it I'm afraid of it. I see it as permanent dating that require maintenance every now and again. But I also know its something deeper than that and yet since i haven't experienced love then I don't know how deep it goes. I suppose I'll have to wait till i get there? My friends are getting married and I'm excited. To know someone so close to be able to see marriage first hand. I feel bad though because I feel I'm treating it as an experiment but its not that I just want to see what its like to love someone and be with them forever.

My own worse enemy part 2...

I continue now with an enemy of my own that I mentioned in a previous post. My heart. Now that is I'm relating emotions to the heart even though really where do emotions come from? Anyway, yes the heart. The silly little thing that once the fluttering and butteries in the tummy start it goes right slong for the downfall. That little thing can make even the most logical person tear at their hair in frustration. The heart, the object that we can't control. How often do we hold feeling for osmeone we shouldn't? A person who tears us down, uses us, and can charm and hurt us like no other. Our brain will scream out "No, no, no! This isn't right and you know it!" How strange that we know things are wrong or right and yet due to some emotion such as fear or our attachment to someone we will do those things that just, well for the lack of a better word make us look stupid. Then we say to ourselves "Well I'll never do that again! I'll be a different person next time!" What happens when next time comes around? Fail. Exactly. Because our logic and emotions at least to me, are constantly battling. One wants one thing and one wants another and rarely they agree on anything. The heart may say to go on ahead this feeling you have is okay and its good while the brain is sening red flags trying to keep you from making an idiot out of yourself. We've all experienced it. Probably more than once. Hell, I've had feeling for a person for the past two years and if you knew how this person treated me you'd have to ask "What the heck is wrong with you? You actually let someone treat you like that?" Well yes I do. I'm not saying I like the way they make me feel then but when they act like they enjoy my company and everything then I'm happy but my brain is constantly telling me "Yes but that's not going to last just you wait." Of ocurse my brain is right. but why then do I keep making an idiot out of myself? Because my emotions sway our opinions and out way of thinking. Sympathy, fear, love. They blind our decision making. I'm not downining emotions or anything but I'm saying our hearts can be our best friend and our worst enemy or at least just one. That is to say that its not always the hearts fault. There's the brain as well, he dislikes us too but whatever. Sometimes they're bitter nemies, sometimes they're best friends and sometimes they're the most evil overwhelming power youve ever seen. But that's just life.

A question arose in my mind

One early morning. While sitting at my desk, enjoying my morning tea a question came to me: Why do i want to be married? An interesting question to say the least. Coming quite suddenly. Hm. I know one thing. I want to be loved. Just like everybody else does (don't blame me you know you enjoyed that little bit there). But why? I mean I haven't exactly not been loved. I have my friends who I love, my family and God. So why is it that I'm so focused on love? On being married to someone? Am i trying to replace something? Someone? I keep getting into trouble because of this silly heart of mine. You know, I say I won't date, won't get involved, that I'll I'll move on from old memories, forgive and forget you know? Well easier said than done. The combination of both the heart and my braid cause more confusion and trouble. If this only exist because of the fall in the beginning I have a new reason to hate sin. seriously. A lot of the things are obvious but no they are far too difficult than they should be. Seriously. If someone uses you, hurts you, makes you feel like crap then naturally you should avoid having ANY feeling for that person. but you do anyway or old memories you wish had never ended even though the person hurt you the most. Its all mad! we all must be too if we are pulling junk like this. So with trouble like this why? Why do we fall for the wrong person? Why do we pursue those we shouldn't? It couldn't be because we all have a unified masochistic fetish right?! That'd make a lot of sense that's for sure but I know that isn;t (unfortunately) the answer. Or is it? It'd make a lot of sense. okay so maybe everyone has a little masochist in them? Am I really holding a discussion with myself in m blog? Yes. Yes I am. With that I digress. Okay. But yes. No idea why. Why do we do the things we do? Especially when weknow we shouldn't? Its strange. very very strange. I know one thing: I'm scared, i'm afraid. Because I don't want to ruin my life. Another thing I don't want to love and marry the wrong person. I don't want to ruin or waste someone's time and life by marrying them. so then that makes me afraid. I kinda want to get it right on the first try. This weekend I went camping with my friends and we had many discussions about relationships, what we want in a girlfriend, etc. But its only now that I think of a good question. "Why do we want a relationshup? why do we want to date?" I have no clue why. Is it o find osmeone who shares our likes, dislikes and pain? I don't know. It'd be alot easier to talk to someone married if I knew any. Man this sucks. Anyone outthere got an answer? omments? Questions? feel free to ask, say whatever. I'm here. Help.

I so hate consequences

Seriously they have to stop making songs about me.

I so hate consequences by RELIENT K

And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that

An interesting question...

A few nights ago a very good friend of mine Mary Ann, asked me an interesting question: "What do men want?" So I thought about it after I excused myself to make myself something to eat. So I wondered. What do men want? What do I as a man want? What does any man want? Its truly hard to say since every man is different but i gave a general answer of what some may want on the spectrum chart as I've seen from what others have said. There are those who want a companion, someone to walk with them on this road of life and make it a little easier. Someone to share their true selves with and not some facade. Some want a mother type figure to care for them in such a horrifying world as this. Some want someone they can be one with:body, soul and mind. To spend forever with them. Some want to know what love is, to have someone they love dear. Then there are people whose only concern is sex and having as much fun as they can, moving from woman to woman.A person who is after his own selfish deeds. Truthfully, I don't know what men want. I can only guess here and give my opinion. Perhaps you could answer this question better than I, or better ye tell me what yours is. If not then at least stop and think of how you'd answer or what you want.

A change from a confession...

Originally I created this before as a rant. A rant against someone. But I've changed since then and I've decided this: I forgive you and I'm letting it go. I'm done living in the past. Its over and I'm not going to be a slave to it anymore. Sure it will take time before I'm completely through with it but what doesn't take a little time? So its over. I'm through. I'm going to be the adult and move on.

true Love..

True love stands at their loved one's side and weeps
True love cries out 'lover!' and 'My beautiful flower!'
True love embraces even when dead cold as stone
True love rejoices in the new life with the Creator of such beauty
True love weeps and feels pain but has memories of happy days
True love waits, embraces and works together through hardships.
True love last past 70 years and far past 92 years.
True love weeps without shame
True love lasts forever, even in death

Dedicated to Leona McKiness. "The world is dimmer without you."

A long little story I don't how to tell that i want to share....

I come before you, to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Admission is free, so pay at the door;
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor:

2.Early this morning, late last night,
Two dead men rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one 'nother.

3.A stone-deaf sheriff heard the noise,
And came and killed those two dead boys.
The mute psychotic shrieked in fright,
With words of joy at this ghastly sight.

4.Now if you doubt this lie is true?
Ask the blind man; he saw it, too."

In the light of recent event I realize...

I realized something when I woke up this morning. The emotions I've held lately after my grandmothers passing. The reason i feel this way is because there is absolutely nothing I can do. I couldn't do anything. It was out of my power and I-I miss her. I mean she was in her years so it wasn't like your movie grandson, grandmother relationship but that didn't mean I didn't love her. I miss her and I feel powerless to do anything. I wish I could give my mother words of encouragement but right now I don't know how she would take them. Even so I think I should tell her something.

...

Someone once said that "Death is beautiful" or "there is beauty in death". To be honest I don't remember because I snorted at the comment due to its comparison of polar opposites. I knew it wasn't not because of my own experience but from a close friend and I've seen what death does and there's no beauty in it. Now I too know that. My Grandmother, Leona Mckiness, age 92, died at 12:59 in the morning today. When I heard the news it didn't really affect me as I thought it would. But as this day went I have slowly awakened to these feelings inside. I think about visiting my grandparents in Riverside and then I have to remind myself "No. Its just Grandpa now". I think of how today my mother went and bought the clothes she would be burying her own mother in and again it hit me. My mother was buying clothes for my grandmother who is dead. She's gone and just can't wrap my self around it. Its as if there is a void that cannot be filled and I think of those who have lost other loved ones and how many they have lost and I just can't imagine it. I thought I knew what death was. I mean your heart stops, your brain and other organs stop and your spirit is free to go to be judged. But even though I had that mentality it just didn't prepare me. I think of when I'll see her for holidays and still I have to remind myself. I think back when, about a month ago my father had a heart attack and just walking into his room thinking "I wonder what Dad is watching today?" or "I wonder what he'll say this time when he See's me?" But he wasn't there. I feel as if part of me is gone. She went to heaven and took those memories with her. The gentleness she had. Like they you don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore. Its strange really thinking of going to a funeral. I know that its only a body, a shell, but its the shell that housed who the person was that I spent my life getting to know. I'm of ocurse emotionally attached! It weird. This is the second person I know who has died that I have been close too. Another a friend who had been fighting cancer for years. Died when he was 19. I couldn't believe he had actually died and now my grandmother. Such a strange gap and a strange feeling.

My thoughts are so tempting...

AHHH!!! Ever since discovering that two of my good friends are getting married my mind has been focusing on nothing but that! I keep crossing into the "I wonder who i will marry" zone or the "What would it be like if I married______?" and thinking of potential wives. Ah its just so frustrating! Part of me as of recent believes I won't be getting married till I'm done with school but I can't deny that part of me that wants a relationship. I have been since I broke up with my last girlfriend a few months ago but it just comes crashing down worse and worse as I watch the happy couples. Heck I've even considered asking out quite a few girls and its killing me. This is what happens when my brain starts thinking and I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long. I mean I know I am in no way shape or form capable f supporting myself let alone a family so why get married? But still there is that urge to know love. Even though love can be a pain. Trust me I know. This is all better yet piled high on my already emotional tower thanks to my realization of the fact that only a few days ago it was the year anniversary of my last long term relationship. Oh yeah that helped. Thanks for pointing it out Jeremy. That fueled it as well. Then going through old messages didn't help. You know reliving lies and such. There's the confusion of so many of my female friends and if they have an interest in me or not, liking a girl who is in love with a total sleaze bag and not even being noticed y her and just everything else. Gah I hate this feeling inside! Its not cool. *sigh* I suppose I'll just wait until I find the one woman for me. And try my best not to do anything too stupid until I find her. Like I once wrote some time ago:

All that man desires is not always silver and gold
Not all that man searches for is lost treasures from stories of old
No some men look for a soul to help them not walk this world alone

I miss the rain...

I really do. There was nothing like relaxing on a rainy day with a good book and one of many cups of tea and just relaxing. Watching the rain fall and hearing it on the roof. *sigh* I miss the rain terribly. I can't until it comes back.

Living at home...

I truly don't know how I will survive at home. I have, for the last two years lived on my "own" I suppose you could say as I lived on campus at my university. Now back here at home I am preparing to get my license so that I may commute to and from school. I don't know how I'll live here again. My freedoms are cut down as I can't stay up as late at night with my friends, really at all with anything fun to do. I'm here in the middle of family drama while before I was at school and could deal with it my own way with going and praying about it. now I'm here where everyone's nerves are grinded on and the most innocent of comments is interpreted as an attack on someones person. Combine that with our family stubbornness it makes for wicked drama and fights. I'm starting to wish I had my independence back but living at home may just help with all my distraction from my schoolwork and help my grades. My social life on the other hand...will probably be dead for a while. Oh well.

This past weekend...

Was awesome! It was a long overdue vacation away from my vacation. Went to my friend Josh's house up in Ladera (sp?) and just chilled wit him and a bunch of the other guys from school. It was awesome. A long over due playing of Call of Duty 4, tried my hand at Super Smash Bros., and gained a lot of weight thanks to his mother's awesome cooking. Josh I had an awesome time thanks for inviting me man.

Bittersweet week...

This week has been giving off positive and negative vibes. I hate it. I'm so mixed around. It sucks. Let's recap so far:

Monday

Positive:Ran into a friend I haven't see in a while and we got to hang out and just talka nd laugh about the old days.

Negative: My grandma isn't do well (she's 92) and my mother ha sbeen at the hospital with her since Saturday night. Also, my friend, as great as he is, has a addiction to Pot but says it calms him. I don't want to see him get in trouble so I made sure we didn't drive around too much. Third, a friend of mine is thinking of using her ex as a "hook up" but now she's falling for the douche bag and I've been trying to convince her not to pursue anything but lo and behold I find out some truth: She's in love with him even though he has hurt her over and over again. The world is weird.

Tuesday

Positive: My friend Kristina came to visit! Its been a while since I had seen her and I was happy seeing her. Made the day better. Finally got a green tea frappe which made the day better.

Negative: My mom came back home from seeing my grandma and she was tired beyond all reason and really needed sleep but woke up feeling sick in the middle of the night, interrupting said sleep. My friend is trapped with her feeling for this guy and he's one of the main causes for her lack of confidnce and low self asteem. I hate what he's done to her.

Wednesday

Positive:....I got to sleep in? Well no I do that already I think that its more I actually got a full nights sleep for once (I have been getting anywhere from 5-6 hours). So yeah. I also get to go to church since the big guy and I need to talk some.

Negative: My idiot of a nephew is pulling his stupid crap again, thus making my mother frustrated and sad. To top that off he's dating a girl who is no good for him and is crazy. Then a good friend of mine texts me telling me on how he had ended his strong running relationship of four months with his girlfriend, her stating that he didn't try hard enough to see her. Which made me quite angry as I was told something to the same affect when I broke up with my ex a year ago. So he's bummed out and right now its only 11:20. The day is still young and this crap has already happened. Bleh. Well let's see how the rest of this day turns out and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I just have to make it to friday when I leave for the weekend to a friends house.


Thursday


Positive: I had a doctors appointment but it got canceled and extended until the 7th of July. Win. Um... ah! I got to see my grandmother last night which, God willing will not be the last time. My friend has come to her sense and now see's the idiot ex she was going to hook up with as a person who was going to only use her so she dropped him like a bad habit. My nephew came over but I didn't get a chance to speak to him. Which is a bummer.

Negative: I keep getting a call from this Christian university for the past few days. I have a hard time saying no to people and this guy won't take the hint. I feel bad because I lied to give him a moment to explain about his school and now I feel bad because he feels I belong there but I'm not going so I need to make it clear today that I'm not interested. And as I've learned Michael Jackson died. Sure we made all the jokes and poked fun but in my opinion the man's music was legendary. Good bye Michael. Another negative is the trouble amongst family with the recent illness of my grandmother. A fight yesterday broke out between my mother and her brother, my uncle. Needless to say this ended with them being asked to leave and my mother promising not to go back up there. Ugh.

Friday

Positive: Today is the day when I get to see my friends and take a vacation away from my vacation. I can't wait!

So I was bored about a week ago and decided to watch some tv. Now its daytime TV so I knew there would probably be nothing on until I saw something that caught my eye. I began watching the Tyra show since the subject today was straight girls kissing to get attention. I was genuinely intrigued and decided to watch. In one guests story she talks about how during parties when the song "I kissed a girl" comes on guys want the girls to kiss and most do. After that my brain began working (which sucks because I'm on vacation and I'm not supposed to be thinking) and I decided to address some things in the show.

Why is it that girls want attention so bad that they'll resort to kissing another woman just so guys will talk to them. Girls complain about being objectified by men all the time but when things like this go on its a wonder why. Sure that is to say men don't objectify women when they are not doing something of the sort but when girls do this to get attention it doesn't exactly help. Now i mean no offense when I write this so no lynch mobs coming after me please. Now why is it, I honestly don't understand, that women seek so much attention? Now see I am not a judgmental person, a psychologist or anything of the sort. But that doesn't stop other people from judging. Unfortunately this seems to be how society works. Everyone is separated by where they stand in society. There are those who find it appropriate and feel they are not hurting anyone by doing such actions and there are those who feel its giving others (lesbians were used as the comparison in the show) who feel its painting a bad image and representation. Which is true because it seems they are "playing lesbian" to get attention while those who are lesbians who do tis as a show of affection may feel offended. I mean how owuld you feel, a lesbian, kissing your significant other when a guy comes up and starts hitting on you? Then when he calls you a tease after explaining your a lesbian, and probably not believing you a whole fight breaks out. This sort of behavior is building up a negative thing and eventually we'll stop hearing about it. Not because it has stopped but because it will eventually become a widely acceptable thing. Normal to be seen at parties, bars, clubs, hotels, etc. Not ot mention its also done even in schools, one of the shows guests being twins, one who was doing such actions, only being in highschool. Not to mention what kind of message are women sending when they kiss other women in bars and places like the sort. Does this message convey a message of "I want a relationship, bf or a one night stand?" And what kind of men will these girls attract anyway? The kind who would push her to do things it would seem like. What happens in the future if the man wants to bring another woman into their relationship and she says no? How will a woman answer when he asks "But what about when I met you and you were making out with that girl? I thought you would like this sort of thing?" The woman has placed herself into a situation where it is preconceived she will act and do certain things. The person has formed a sort of reputation. What's worse is them using a song like "I kissed a girl" in such a way where it can't really be enjoyed as a song anymore but now a song which is used at parties to kiss other girls. What is this world coming to? Now would women talk to a man if he was making out with another man? Chances are no since she would probably think he is a homosexual and he already has a prtner and wold move on. So what is stopping a man from seeing such a scene and thinking the same thing? So please consider all that I've said here. Now I'll use my disclaimer since i didn't want people shutting down before they read my blog.

Dosclaimer: I am a Christian. I do not advocate homosexuality, or homosexual practices. I am though not judgmental. I dislike the sin not the sinner. Please do not flame me or anything this is only my opinion on this subject which relfects my beliefs but please just take into consideration what I have said.


In case you're interested here is the link to a video on the Tyra website and some comments left.


http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/2009/06/what_do_you_think_of_straight.php?page=17

That's so gay...

Just last night I had seen a similar video on television and it got me thinking about some things. Now more often than not when we say something using the word gay its context varies from using as a term for homosexuality or as in a replacement for saying dumb, retarded or stupid, etc. Now I think the use of the word depends on context and in what you are referencing too. Now i know what you might be thinking that 9 times out of 10 someone is referencing that to a homosexual person. Okay. But what irks me about this is that it almost seems that, after years of saying not to say gay because it offends homosexuals that it seems they've come to accept this as a term for homosexuality. Now i know it is an offensive term often used to describe homosexuals but then again they use it themselves as they call events as "gay pride". Is it because of its context? Well if someone was to use it in a different manner attempting to use it as a substitute for a word does that make it right? I would like to hear your thoughts on this issue please. Also if you have any questions on what I said above or need clarification. Thank you.

So close...

I checked online for my grades today. I needed to get all B's in my classes to return to my university for the next semester. Upon checking my grades I discovered I had two already up.

Old Testament History and Literature: C-
Theology II: C+

I tried. Sure sometimes not my best but I tried and I honestly wanted to come back. I've been sad these last few days at the end of the year because of my leaving my friends for summer. Now I'll have to wait a year until I can spend time with them again. I'm sad that I won't see them. One thing does surprise me. I'm not angry at God. I know I'm trying to hold it back because everything works for the best in the end with his will. I'm kind of numb now but i think it'll sink in soon enough. I have to spend a year some where else away from my friends. I miss them already. Maybe not all hope is gone. Maybe there is something i can do. Maybe there isn't. I don't see the big picture right now but I will someday. I would just like to thank God for my wonderful friends and for the opportunity of sending me to Biola. I will come back. I'll try harder, I'll develop better study habits. I'll do it for God and my family and friends.

Isn't it funny?

How crushed you can be over one freaking girl that just doesn't care?


How pathetic am I?

Welcome to my life...

Where it sucks everyday. Who am I? I am the push over and weak guy. The guy who gets picked on, the guy who watches people get handed everything while he must struggle. The one who gets neither what he wants or what he needs. The guy who sits alone quiet because he doesn't know anyone. The guy who gets punched in the balls all the time because he won't fight back. The guy who no one gives a crap for. The guy who never gets 'how are you feeling?'. The guy who never gets the girl. The guy who gets taken for granted. The guy who puts too much stock in humans, in people instead of God. The guy whose heart hurts and no one cares. The guy who has no one willing to listen or even cares.

"Do you lock yourself in your room
With the radio on
Turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming."
~Welcome to my life
-Simple Plan

A story...

Once upon a time there was a boy who wanted everyone to be happy. So he made everyone laugh and smile, especially when they were feeling down. But there was one thing. The boy himself wasn't happy. He was very sad sometimes on the inside. But he was shy and didn't want anyone worrying about him. So everyday he'd put on a mask and fake smile at everyone and once they were gone his eyes turned sad. There was no one the boy could talk to so he kept on smiling. If everyone else was happy then he'd be happy knowing that everyone else was, even during those times when he was sad. So when the time comes and the boy has to meet God he'll smile as he passes from this life to the next. Knowing he made people smile and did God's will.


In this life the bad guy lives and the good guy saves the world and dies with regrets.~RJP

Monster

can you hear it?

the screaming voices of a thousand dying worlds

they call my name

screaming, hurting, dying...

EMPOWERING ME

giving me the strength to do what i could not before

i am no longer a man, for a man cannot have such power and still be called such

all that is left is the shell of a man that once was

and the darkness that courses through me

holding me together, breaking me apart

stopping me from living,

preventing me from dying

what am i now?

what have i done?

such unspeakable acts that i have committed, the innocents i have crushed beneath me, in a crazed dash to the top

was it worth it?

will i ever know?

can you hear it?

can you hear them?

they are gone,

yet they are with me forever

~Apprentice

Recent events...

Recently a range of emotions has just been moving through me and my heart. I have been feeling this hate growing inside me for my ex girlfriend. I truly want to make her feel the same hurt that i did. I could do so many things in order to do so. I could tell her about how I actually wanted to get with someone else instead of her, that when I had told someone I was interested in somebody else I was actually not talking about her, how I smoked the day of our beach trip because she was giving me stress, and so many other things. I wish I could just look her dead in the eyes and tell her that its her fault for everything and if she wants me back that it's already too late. Not ot mention I constantly feel a battle being raged within me. I keep having this feeling of all my negative emotions and evil inside are wanting to get out. Add that to the constant lack of even a small piece of respect and the idea gets better and better.

Yay!

I recently received a caligraphy set as a gift. I've always wanted to try caligraphy and now I can. Also, I feel mor elike a writer for some reason since receiving it. I feel as if I have so much writing to do and yet have nothing to write about. Yet. I'm still getting the hang of using the pens but it's coming along rather nicely I should think. But baically I'm excited to give this a try.

The Son of Rage and Love...

At the center of the Earth
In the parking lot
Of the 7-11 were I was taught
The motto was just a lie

It says home is where your heart is
But what a shame
'Cause everyone's heart
Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time

City of the dead at the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti in the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much but it only confirmed that
The center of the earth is the end of the world
And I could really care less

City of the dead at the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

Made of win..

I have now finished a weekend binging of tea and VITAMIN STRING QUARTET. Holy crap I'm in love. Music just got greater. Especially doing one of my favorite songs Jesus of Suburbia. Made of win. Epic win. I love it! I'm now going to go out and buy some more of their songs. Good weekend.

Nostalgia...

Recently I have been hit continually with waves of nostalgia. The way the sun sets, a cool breeze that blows, and just the feel of the sunshine makes me remember a day I've lived so many years before. Days like in elementary school spent staying after school with friends, watching saturday morning cartoons, getting home after school and watching Arthur and fridays and the joy of the weekend. These memories come in flashes, in sparks and in long clouded visions. It seems like I've lived this life for far longer than what I have and I can only hope that there are so many more of these years to come. Its jsut such an incredible feeling to see all of these memories and see how far you've come. They seem just like yesterday i was stuck in a seat in elementary school and here I am stuck in college. Hm. Okay so not much has changed there but still!

I might get yelled at for this one..

A looooooong while ago i had made a list of...rules if you will. Rules of a relationship on the man's side of course. Since I can't understand/read women minds. If I could I'd write a friggin book. but I digress. Yes here we go. So please positive feedback people. And please suggestions if you have any suggestions or ones to add feel free.

1. Talk to her face to face and tell her the truth. Always.
2. Look at her! Talk to her during those awkaward silences! Compliment and stand up for her.
3. Meet her parents. Gain their trust and even if you don't have to insist on meeting them.
4. Obey rules/guidelines set by both her and her parents.
5. Never put her in a position that'll get her in trouble.
6. Try to have some serious conversations instead of trivial crap.
7. Give an honest kiss. Don't eat her face or her tongue all the damn time.
8. If you're shy don't be afraid to hold her hand or put your arm around her. If its not crossing the set boundary then its okay.
9. Be ascertive and don't go back on promises.
10. Build her up don't tear her down.
11. Accept/give POSITIVE criticism.
12. When trying to make a decision keep the other posted on what is happening don't keep them in the dark and try to be quick and decisive.
13. No procrastinating.
14. Don't lose faith in your relationship but if it is done its done, time to let go an dmove on. If there is a problem don't be afraid to talk about it.

Okay so that's all for now if you have any suggestions please make them and comments are welcome.

Who am I supposed to be?

I found a friends blog to be extremely helpful. Since reading it, its as if something inside me is saying "Hey she has the right idea!" For a while now I see myself wanting to stay the way I was in high school. The way I dressed then and the way i acted. But now, it seems to be, well leaving me. I don't dress the same way with the devil may care attitude. I want to be a certain way but there's something telling me that, that isn't the correct way to be. I want to be the guy with the piercings, tattoos and band shirts that doesn't care what people say but I can't help but feel something is saying "No that's not who you are supposed to be." So I ask: Who am I supposed to be? Is this what being mature feels like? Its a scary feeling. I ask: Am i growing up? Am I now growing up into an adult? I've wanted to be mature for the longest time and said I would work on it and now if this is it happening right now then its scary because I thought it would take years but now its happening so quick. What is it?

A little thing if you will...

All that man desires is not always silver and gold
Not all that man searches for is lost treasures from stories of old
No some men look for a soul to help them not walk this world alone

Dreams..

Are the most strangest things ever. They all seems so strange and different and yet there are times they all seem connected. I seem to have the same dream but it plays out at different places. One is at a school where all of my friends, all of the people I have ever known go there, some who I haven't seen since elementary, some I've seen only hours or moments before. How strange. And the way the world of my dreams is. It seems almost cloudy, glazed, fogged over. And there they are. I love seeing them all again. Its so strange though because when its not there its at a church where my choir sang. There were rooms there were we stayed and that's where we stay and meet. Then there's the people you don't know that you'll never remember and then have memory flashes one day of people you know better than anything but they never existed only in a dream. Well we have two lives, or so it seems. One for us and one for our dreams. But the absolute best is when reality and dreams cross and you can't tell the difference! ha ha I actually enjoy the trip from that sometime.

I have...

Returned. I have been gone i realize. It was brought to my attention and I thank the person or reminding me! I've been unfortunately busy in school. Papers dislike me and recently my darling sleep and I have parted ways. Although the relationship between insomnia and I is strong as ever. -_- Other than that life has been...intriguing. I told my mom I am on academic probation and I may be dismissed from the university and have to go somewhere else for a year (she took that surprisingly well) and now I must face constant lectures and low under breath sayings of "disappointed". Bleh. Such is life. I can take it! So bring it on! Trials and tribulations. "God didn't say life would be easy only that it'd be worth it."-Mother Teresa

KRISTINA

You don't have to be sorry I apologize. I shouldn't have gotten angry I let my emotions get the best of me. I'm sorry.

An answer of sort...

What a fool I am! I have realized something recently. You may remember my previous blog where I asked for a sort of definition of what love is. Today I have realized something. You cannot define love. I realize now there are those emotions that you cannot describe and understand, unless you experience them yourself! How foolish I was to not sit down and truly consider this! To truly understand love I must experience it. And I have. On a level with a friend but not romantic love. Which is the love I desire to experience but it eludes me still. But I consider this: if the love for my friend could be on the level i felt then the level of love for one romantically must be an exceedingly great one! And the love God has for us must be one that is truly immeasurable! How great God is!!


LOVE IS LOVE. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.

MODESTY...

Is dead. Well maybe not completely dead i will admit there are still some who practice modesty. But I'm losing faith in that considering the amounts of cleavage, underwear and general clothes that are too tight or loose I see in a day. Its a lot. Seriously dude how hard is it to pull up your pants and put on a belt? I have no desire to see what brand of underwear you're wearing or lack there of in some cases (causing momentary blindness and laughter from women around you dude). I don't know about you but when I know someone is staring at my butt and can see my underwear its a little weird. But that's just me. It seems men have mostly the baggy pants deal with modesty (I'm still trying to find problems with skinny jeans) and not as many as I can list as women (I am not trying to be sexist or anything). Its just I seriously ask myself sometimes how a woman can fit into those jeans and still be breathing? seriously how can you? It looks like you're going to pass out any minute now. Those can not be comfortable to sit in let alone walk around in. I never get the chance to see them try and pick something up because I know it must be something to see. I think they either A) Won't be able to or B) will end up splitting their pants. Now I'm not talking about the jeans that fit a little snug or just fit in general or anything. I'm talking about jeans that are tight enough to be your flesh. You have to be eating your underwear at that moment. Which bring me to my next point. Because I find it amazing that no matter what size shirt you wear it is going to ride up when you sit down, move forward or something. How is this possible? It boggles the mind. Is it the shirt or is it the pants? A combination of both perhaps? Either way there it is and leads me to the next object which is often brought to every one's attention: your underwear. Seriously? Just going to walk around all day with your underwear hanging out? I mean its there for the whole world to see. Has society really become comfortable with this? Yes I know "I don't have to look so what does it matter?" Well no i don't. But half the guys walking in the mall, or down the block have just seen your underwear. Congratulations. That guy will probably be telling his friends about you later. Really now you say we're all just pervs. Well it helps if there weren't anything to look at. I'm sorry I'm making an argument here and that was not my intention I was just bringing the death of modesty to attention. Okay so yes your underwear to the world or like in some cases, lack thereof. Which also confuses me because, although I have never tried it, that I would imagine would not feel good in certain cases cases. Running, exercising, etc. But yes. Guys too seriously exposing your tighty whities (I didn't even know guys still wore those) to everyone is a fashion faux pas. Guys just walk around, their shirts too small for them and when they stretch not only do you get stomach ville but underwear as well. I, and as many female in the area have made it clear, do not wish to see that. Next up cleavage. Just why? I have already a tough time talking to women and now you're going to throw that in my face (no pun intended) and make it hard to concentrate? is it a test? get through 5 minutes without looking? I know there are those who may want to appreciate their bodies in a certain way but when you complain about pigs always hitting on you and staring you might want to appreciate it in a different way. What interpretive dance not good enough? I don't know maybe I'm making a big deal its just I think people should maybe cover up more? i don't know. That's my opinion and you can accept it or not just think about it at least.

A question if you will...

I have an interesting question. It suddenly came in my mind after a seminar I attended. My question is this: what is love? Is it a mix of physical actions and emotion or is it something deeper. It says for Men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. But first I ask what is love? What is it to love? I'm curious about what you think love is? Please, I want to know what you feel love is so please give me an answer.

I'm Sorry ...

"I’m Sorry". Such an insignificant thing. Those of us who use it must ask what it really means. We say it but do we truly understand the meaning? Its an apology, I understand that but there is just something else to it. Something I don’t quite comprehend. Could it be because it is said so freely it has lost its meaning? Because, well, do we say it without truly understanding it? Without the understanding do we really mean it? Do we just just use it to qwell fights? I feel we do. I do at times at least. Of ocurse I believe there is that part that is truly sorrry. Somewhere...

Movies

I have noticed as of recent, that a lot of movies just haven't been doing very well lately. I mean a lot of them are pumped up in their previews but they seem to fall short of what seems to be promised. Why is that? Its somewhat discouraging. I used to look forward to going the movies but now I don't because of the fear that the movie will simply fall short.