A question arose in my mind

One early morning. While sitting at my desk, enjoying my morning tea a question came to me: Why do i want to be married? An interesting question to say the least. Coming quite suddenly. Hm. I know one thing. I want to be loved. Just like everybody else does (don't blame me you know you enjoyed that little bit there). But why? I mean I haven't exactly not been loved. I have my friends who I love, my family and God. So why is it that I'm so focused on love? On being married to someone? Am i trying to replace something? Someone? I keep getting into trouble because of this silly heart of mine. You know, I say I won't date, won't get involved, that I'll I'll move on from old memories, forgive and forget you know? Well easier said than done. The combination of both the heart and my braid cause more confusion and trouble. If this only exist because of the fall in the beginning I have a new reason to hate sin. seriously. A lot of the things are obvious but no they are far too difficult than they should be. Seriously. If someone uses you, hurts you, makes you feel like crap then naturally you should avoid having ANY feeling for that person. but you do anyway or old memories you wish had never ended even though the person hurt you the most. Its all mad! we all must be too if we are pulling junk like this. So with trouble like this why? Why do we fall for the wrong person? Why do we pursue those we shouldn't? It couldn't be because we all have a unified masochistic fetish right?! That'd make a lot of sense that's for sure but I know that isn;t (unfortunately) the answer. Or is it? It'd make a lot of sense. okay so maybe everyone has a little masochist in them? Am I really holding a discussion with myself in m blog? Yes. Yes I am. With that I digress. Okay. But yes. No idea why. Why do we do the things we do? Especially when weknow we shouldn't? Its strange. very very strange. I know one thing: I'm scared, i'm afraid. Because I don't want to ruin my life. Another thing I don't want to love and marry the wrong person. I don't want to ruin or waste someone's time and life by marrying them. so then that makes me afraid. I kinda want to get it right on the first try. This weekend I went camping with my friends and we had many discussions about relationships, what we want in a girlfriend, etc. But its only now that I think of a good question. "Why do we want a relationshup? why do we want to date?" I have no clue why. Is it o find osmeone who shares our likes, dislikes and pain? I don't know. It'd be alot easier to talk to someone married if I knew any. Man this sucks. Anyone outthere got an answer? omments? Questions? feel free to ask, say whatever. I'm here. Help.

I so hate consequences

Seriously they have to stop making songs about me.

I so hate consequences by RELIENT K

And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that

An interesting question...

A few nights ago a very good friend of mine Mary Ann, asked me an interesting question: "What do men want?" So I thought about it after I excused myself to make myself something to eat. So I wondered. What do men want? What do I as a man want? What does any man want? Its truly hard to say since every man is different but i gave a general answer of what some may want on the spectrum chart as I've seen from what others have said. There are those who want a companion, someone to walk with them on this road of life and make it a little easier. Someone to share their true selves with and not some facade. Some want a mother type figure to care for them in such a horrifying world as this. Some want someone they can be one with:body, soul and mind. To spend forever with them. Some want to know what love is, to have someone they love dear. Then there are people whose only concern is sex and having as much fun as they can, moving from woman to woman.A person who is after his own selfish deeds. Truthfully, I don't know what men want. I can only guess here and give my opinion. Perhaps you could answer this question better than I, or better ye tell me what yours is. If not then at least stop and think of how you'd answer or what you want.

A change from a confession...

Originally I created this before as a rant. A rant against someone. But I've changed since then and I've decided this: I forgive you and I'm letting it go. I'm done living in the past. Its over and I'm not going to be a slave to it anymore. Sure it will take time before I'm completely through with it but what doesn't take a little time? So its over. I'm through. I'm going to be the adult and move on.

true Love..

True love stands at their loved one's side and weeps
True love cries out 'lover!' and 'My beautiful flower!'
True love embraces even when dead cold as stone
True love rejoices in the new life with the Creator of such beauty
True love weeps and feels pain but has memories of happy days
True love waits, embraces and works together through hardships.
True love last past 70 years and far past 92 years.
True love weeps without shame
True love lasts forever, even in death

Dedicated to Leona McKiness. "The world is dimmer without you."

A long little story I don't how to tell that i want to share....

I come before you, to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Admission is free, so pay at the door;
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor:

2.Early this morning, late last night,
Two dead men rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one 'nother.

3.A stone-deaf sheriff heard the noise,
And came and killed those two dead boys.
The mute psychotic shrieked in fright,
With words of joy at this ghastly sight.

4.Now if you doubt this lie is true?
Ask the blind man; he saw it, too."

In the light of recent event I realize...

I realized something when I woke up this morning. The emotions I've held lately after my grandmothers passing. The reason i feel this way is because there is absolutely nothing I can do. I couldn't do anything. It was out of my power and I-I miss her. I mean she was in her years so it wasn't like your movie grandson, grandmother relationship but that didn't mean I didn't love her. I miss her and I feel powerless to do anything. I wish I could give my mother words of encouragement but right now I don't know how she would take them. Even so I think I should tell her something.

...

Someone once said that "Death is beautiful" or "there is beauty in death". To be honest I don't remember because I snorted at the comment due to its comparison of polar opposites. I knew it wasn't not because of my own experience but from a close friend and I've seen what death does and there's no beauty in it. Now I too know that. My Grandmother, Leona Mckiness, age 92, died at 12:59 in the morning today. When I heard the news it didn't really affect me as I thought it would. But as this day went I have slowly awakened to these feelings inside. I think about visiting my grandparents in Riverside and then I have to remind myself "No. Its just Grandpa now". I think of how today my mother went and bought the clothes she would be burying her own mother in and again it hit me. My mother was buying clothes for my grandmother who is dead. She's gone and just can't wrap my self around it. Its as if there is a void that cannot be filled and I think of those who have lost other loved ones and how many they have lost and I just can't imagine it. I thought I knew what death was. I mean your heart stops, your brain and other organs stop and your spirit is free to go to be judged. But even though I had that mentality it just didn't prepare me. I think of when I'll see her for holidays and still I have to remind myself. I think back when, about a month ago my father had a heart attack and just walking into his room thinking "I wonder what Dad is watching today?" or "I wonder what he'll say this time when he See's me?" But he wasn't there. I feel as if part of me is gone. She went to heaven and took those memories with her. The gentleness she had. Like they you don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore. Its strange really thinking of going to a funeral. I know that its only a body, a shell, but its the shell that housed who the person was that I spent my life getting to know. I'm of ocurse emotionally attached! It weird. This is the second person I know who has died that I have been close too. Another a friend who had been fighting cancer for years. Died when he was 19. I couldn't believe he had actually died and now my grandmother. Such a strange gap and a strange feeling.

My thoughts are so tempting...

AHHH!!! Ever since discovering that two of my good friends are getting married my mind has been focusing on nothing but that! I keep crossing into the "I wonder who i will marry" zone or the "What would it be like if I married______?" and thinking of potential wives. Ah its just so frustrating! Part of me as of recent believes I won't be getting married till I'm done with school but I can't deny that part of me that wants a relationship. I have been since I broke up with my last girlfriend a few months ago but it just comes crashing down worse and worse as I watch the happy couples. Heck I've even considered asking out quite a few girls and its killing me. This is what happens when my brain starts thinking and I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long. I mean I know I am in no way shape or form capable f supporting myself let alone a family so why get married? But still there is that urge to know love. Even though love can be a pain. Trust me I know. This is all better yet piled high on my already emotional tower thanks to my realization of the fact that only a few days ago it was the year anniversary of my last long term relationship. Oh yeah that helped. Thanks for pointing it out Jeremy. That fueled it as well. Then going through old messages didn't help. You know reliving lies and such. There's the confusion of so many of my female friends and if they have an interest in me or not, liking a girl who is in love with a total sleaze bag and not even being noticed y her and just everything else. Gah I hate this feeling inside! Its not cool. *sigh* I suppose I'll just wait until I find the one woman for me. And try my best not to do anything too stupid until I find her. Like I once wrote some time ago:

All that man desires is not always silver and gold
Not all that man searches for is lost treasures from stories of old
No some men look for a soul to help them not walk this world alone