So close...

I checked online for my grades today. I needed to get all B's in my classes to return to my university for the next semester. Upon checking my grades I discovered I had two already up.

Old Testament History and Literature: C-
Theology II: C+

I tried. Sure sometimes not my best but I tried and I honestly wanted to come back. I've been sad these last few days at the end of the year because of my leaving my friends for summer. Now I'll have to wait a year until I can spend time with them again. I'm sad that I won't see them. One thing does surprise me. I'm not angry at God. I know I'm trying to hold it back because everything works for the best in the end with his will. I'm kind of numb now but i think it'll sink in soon enough. I have to spend a year some where else away from my friends. I miss them already. Maybe not all hope is gone. Maybe there is something i can do. Maybe there isn't. I don't see the big picture right now but I will someday. I would just like to thank God for my wonderful friends and for the opportunity of sending me to Biola. I will come back. I'll try harder, I'll develop better study habits. I'll do it for God and my family and friends.

Isn't it funny?

How crushed you can be over one freaking girl that just doesn't care?


How pathetic am I?

Welcome to my life...

Where it sucks everyday. Who am I? I am the push over and weak guy. The guy who gets picked on, the guy who watches people get handed everything while he must struggle. The one who gets neither what he wants or what he needs. The guy who sits alone quiet because he doesn't know anyone. The guy who gets punched in the balls all the time because he won't fight back. The guy who no one gives a crap for. The guy who never gets 'how are you feeling?'. The guy who never gets the girl. The guy who gets taken for granted. The guy who puts too much stock in humans, in people instead of God. The guy whose heart hurts and no one cares. The guy who has no one willing to listen or even cares.

"Do you lock yourself in your room
With the radio on
Turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming."
~Welcome to my life
-Simple Plan

A story...

Once upon a time there was a boy who wanted everyone to be happy. So he made everyone laugh and smile, especially when they were feeling down. But there was one thing. The boy himself wasn't happy. He was very sad sometimes on the inside. But he was shy and didn't want anyone worrying about him. So everyday he'd put on a mask and fake smile at everyone and once they were gone his eyes turned sad. There was no one the boy could talk to so he kept on smiling. If everyone else was happy then he'd be happy knowing that everyone else was, even during those times when he was sad. So when the time comes and the boy has to meet God he'll smile as he passes from this life to the next. Knowing he made people smile and did God's will.


In this life the bad guy lives and the good guy saves the world and dies with regrets.~RJP

Monster

can you hear it?

the screaming voices of a thousand dying worlds

they call my name

screaming, hurting, dying...

EMPOWERING ME

giving me the strength to do what i could not before

i am no longer a man, for a man cannot have such power and still be called such

all that is left is the shell of a man that once was

and the darkness that courses through me

holding me together, breaking me apart

stopping me from living,

preventing me from dying

what am i now?

what have i done?

such unspeakable acts that i have committed, the innocents i have crushed beneath me, in a crazed dash to the top

was it worth it?

will i ever know?

can you hear it?

can you hear them?

they are gone,

yet they are with me forever

~Apprentice

Recent events...

Recently a range of emotions has just been moving through me and my heart. I have been feeling this hate growing inside me for my ex girlfriend. I truly want to make her feel the same hurt that i did. I could do so many things in order to do so. I could tell her about how I actually wanted to get with someone else instead of her, that when I had told someone I was interested in somebody else I was actually not talking about her, how I smoked the day of our beach trip because she was giving me stress, and so many other things. I wish I could just look her dead in the eyes and tell her that its her fault for everything and if she wants me back that it's already too late. Not ot mention I constantly feel a battle being raged within me. I keep having this feeling of all my negative emotions and evil inside are wanting to get out. Add that to the constant lack of even a small piece of respect and the idea gets better and better.

Yay!

I recently received a caligraphy set as a gift. I've always wanted to try caligraphy and now I can. Also, I feel mor elike a writer for some reason since receiving it. I feel as if I have so much writing to do and yet have nothing to write about. Yet. I'm still getting the hang of using the pens but it's coming along rather nicely I should think. But baically I'm excited to give this a try.

The Son of Rage and Love...

At the center of the Earth
In the parking lot
Of the 7-11 were I was taught
The motto was just a lie

It says home is where your heart is
But what a shame
'Cause everyone's heart
Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time

City of the dead at the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti in the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much but it only confirmed that
The center of the earth is the end of the world
And I could really care less

City of the dead at the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

Made of win..

I have now finished a weekend binging of tea and VITAMIN STRING QUARTET. Holy crap I'm in love. Music just got greater. Especially doing one of my favorite songs Jesus of Suburbia. Made of win. Epic win. I love it! I'm now going to go out and buy some more of their songs. Good weekend.

Nostalgia...

Recently I have been hit continually with waves of nostalgia. The way the sun sets, a cool breeze that blows, and just the feel of the sunshine makes me remember a day I've lived so many years before. Days like in elementary school spent staying after school with friends, watching saturday morning cartoons, getting home after school and watching Arthur and fridays and the joy of the weekend. These memories come in flashes, in sparks and in long clouded visions. It seems like I've lived this life for far longer than what I have and I can only hope that there are so many more of these years to come. Its jsut such an incredible feeling to see all of these memories and see how far you've come. They seem just like yesterday i was stuck in a seat in elementary school and here I am stuck in college. Hm. Okay so not much has changed there but still!

I might get yelled at for this one..

A looooooong while ago i had made a list of...rules if you will. Rules of a relationship on the man's side of course. Since I can't understand/read women minds. If I could I'd write a friggin book. but I digress. Yes here we go. So please positive feedback people. And please suggestions if you have any suggestions or ones to add feel free.

1. Talk to her face to face and tell her the truth. Always.
2. Look at her! Talk to her during those awkaward silences! Compliment and stand up for her.
3. Meet her parents. Gain their trust and even if you don't have to insist on meeting them.
4. Obey rules/guidelines set by both her and her parents.
5. Never put her in a position that'll get her in trouble.
6. Try to have some serious conversations instead of trivial crap.
7. Give an honest kiss. Don't eat her face or her tongue all the damn time.
8. If you're shy don't be afraid to hold her hand or put your arm around her. If its not crossing the set boundary then its okay.
9. Be ascertive and don't go back on promises.
10. Build her up don't tear her down.
11. Accept/give POSITIVE criticism.
12. When trying to make a decision keep the other posted on what is happening don't keep them in the dark and try to be quick and decisive.
13. No procrastinating.
14. Don't lose faith in your relationship but if it is done its done, time to let go an dmove on. If there is a problem don't be afraid to talk about it.

Okay so that's all for now if you have any suggestions please make them and comments are welcome.

Who am I supposed to be?

I found a friends blog to be extremely helpful. Since reading it, its as if something inside me is saying "Hey she has the right idea!" For a while now I see myself wanting to stay the way I was in high school. The way I dressed then and the way i acted. But now, it seems to be, well leaving me. I don't dress the same way with the devil may care attitude. I want to be a certain way but there's something telling me that, that isn't the correct way to be. I want to be the guy with the piercings, tattoos and band shirts that doesn't care what people say but I can't help but feel something is saying "No that's not who you are supposed to be." So I ask: Who am I supposed to be? Is this what being mature feels like? Its a scary feeling. I ask: Am i growing up? Am I now growing up into an adult? I've wanted to be mature for the longest time and said I would work on it and now if this is it happening right now then its scary because I thought it would take years but now its happening so quick. What is it?

A little thing if you will...

All that man desires is not always silver and gold
Not all that man searches for is lost treasures from stories of old
No some men look for a soul to help them not walk this world alone

Dreams..

Are the most strangest things ever. They all seems so strange and different and yet there are times they all seem connected. I seem to have the same dream but it plays out at different places. One is at a school where all of my friends, all of the people I have ever known go there, some who I haven't seen since elementary, some I've seen only hours or moments before. How strange. And the way the world of my dreams is. It seems almost cloudy, glazed, fogged over. And there they are. I love seeing them all again. Its so strange though because when its not there its at a church where my choir sang. There were rooms there were we stayed and that's where we stay and meet. Then there's the people you don't know that you'll never remember and then have memory flashes one day of people you know better than anything but they never existed only in a dream. Well we have two lives, or so it seems. One for us and one for our dreams. But the absolute best is when reality and dreams cross and you can't tell the difference! ha ha I actually enjoy the trip from that sometime.

I have...

Returned. I have been gone i realize. It was brought to my attention and I thank the person or reminding me! I've been unfortunately busy in school. Papers dislike me and recently my darling sleep and I have parted ways. Although the relationship between insomnia and I is strong as ever. -_- Other than that life has been...intriguing. I told my mom I am on academic probation and I may be dismissed from the university and have to go somewhere else for a year (she took that surprisingly well) and now I must face constant lectures and low under breath sayings of "disappointed". Bleh. Such is life. I can take it! So bring it on! Trials and tribulations. "God didn't say life would be easy only that it'd be worth it."-Mother Teresa